i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
