You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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