You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
