I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
