I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
