operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
