we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
