our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
