Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
