I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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