omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize