I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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