just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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