I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
