This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just had sex on a roof
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
