I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
