so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
