Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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