He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
