It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
