ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
