i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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