Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize