why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
