i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize