The maid of honor just puked.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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