Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
