How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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