How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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