Can i not drive my cunt home
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
