No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
