i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
