I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
