feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
