At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
