we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize