the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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