i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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