If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
