shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
