My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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