I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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