There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
