i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
