Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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