Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
