So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
