Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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