Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
