Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
