Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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