Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
