Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
