If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize