Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize