Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
