Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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