I saw his package. It spoke to me.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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