I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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