Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
